Decoding your child’s behavior and helping them express themselves
By Brightline, May 6, 2025
When kids can’t talk yet — and sometimes when they can — understanding their behavior can be frustrating. They are almost always trying to communicate what they need or how they feel, but it’s hard to remember that when they’re flinging peas across the living room.
We put together a few ways to better understand the why behind your younger child’s actions. And we’ve got some inspiration to guide your next conversation with older kids about slamming doors or talking back.
Ages 0–4
In their first years as humans, kids change and grow rapidly. They’re just starting to learn how to engage with the world around them, and they might not have the language skills to express their needs and feelings.
Key behaviors and possible meanings
Crying and tantrums: Babies and toddlers will cry when they’re uncomfortable, tired, hungry, or frustrated. Try to remember it’s just their way of trying to tell you something.
Touching and tasting: One way babies understand their new world is by putting things in their mouth. They may also touch, climb, and grab things around them.
Fighting change: As babies grow into toddlers, their sense of independence grows, too. They like to feel in control of their little world, so sudden changes may be met with resistance. And you might hear them say the dreaded word no.
So, what should you do?
Keep routines: Make a regular schedule for meals, naps, and bedtime, then stick to it as best as you can. Knowing what to expect helps build a stable daily rhythm for your child.
Speak plainly: Talk to your kids in clear, simple words. For example, “It’s time to leave the park now. I’m sorry you’re upset — we will come back another day.”
Offer choices: Giving toddlers limited choices can make decisions easier for you both. Try giving two options they can choose between. For example: “It’s time for dinner. Do you want to sit next to Mom or Dad?”
Ages 5–8
For most kids in this age range, language skills are more developed. They’re more able to express their emotions and they’re starting to understand rules, empathy, and consequences.
Key behaviors and possible meanings
Testing boundaries: They may know the rules but now they’re questioning them. It might be frustrating for parents, but it’s a healthy way for them to explore boundaries and understand why you have them.
Emotional outbursts: This age group will still struggle to name their feelings from time to time. Occasional outbursts are typical — feelings can be overwhelming! The same general rule applies: tantrums often happen when a child is tired, hungry, overstimulated, understimulated, or experiencing any combination of the above.
Social pressure: Friendships with kids their own age are important for this age group. You may notice your child mirroring new attitudes, language, or values from friends. It’s their way of testing where and how they fit in.
So, what should you do?
Set clear expectations: Don’t just give rules — give reasons. Kids at this age will feel frustrated or hurt if you refuse to explain your line of thinking to them.
Encourage big feelings: Help kids in this age and stage learn how to ride the waves of feelings while understanding boundaries and expected behaviors. For example, “It's okay to feel angry, but it's not okay to hit others.”
Be the example: Model how to share, be patient, and practice empathy. Call out how you feel when you do it, e.g., “I feel happy when I share baked goods with our neighbor” or “I feel proud listening to you practice your reading.”
Ages 9–12
Preteens are deciding who they want to be, trying on new identities like clothes in a dressing room. But they’re still kids and they’ll still look to you for guidance as they grow up.
Key behaviors and possible meanings
Growing independence: Preteens crave independence and control. They will often push back on daily rules with even more questions now than when they were toddlers.
Mood swings: Hormones are pinging wildly at this stage, creating shifting moods. They are on a rollercoaster of emotions that they may not even fully understand themselves yet. You don’t have to ride that rollercoaster with them, though. Sometimes the best support is sitting with them as they go through it. (Either right there on the couch or by offering your shoulder or ear when the ride slows down.)
Peer pressure: The need to fit in will guide most behaviors at this age. Talk with your preteen about staying true to themselves while making friends and building confidence.
So, what should you do?
Keep communication open: You might not agree with their fashion or friend choices, but as long as they’re safe, try to keep judgment to yourself. Reassure them that they can bring their feelings and questions to you.
Make room for decision-making: Ask your preteen what they think they should do when they come to you with a tough decision they need to make. Talk through outcomes, help them think it through, and then encourage them to make their own choices. This helps them build critical thinking skills while fostering their independence.
Stay in the loop: Maintain interest in your child’s activities and friendships, showing support while keeping a healthy distance. You don’t have time to be a helicopter parent (and they don't need one). Keep spending one-on-one time together. Open conversations about what they love about themselves — and what personal goals they’d like to work on. This can strengthen your bond while shifting some of their focus inward in a positive way.
Kids grow fast, and it might feel like you’ve just barely figured out one stage by the time they’re halfway into the next. That’s part of the ride — and the fun.
Keep watching, talking, and responding thoughtfully, and you’ll be a trusted guide for your child no matter which age bracket they’re climbing. And remember — nobody expects you to have it all figured out. You’re learning, too!