Let’s talk about everyone’s mental health

The month of May is when most families start to really think about summer. It’s also Mental Health Awareness Month and Mother’s Day. How are these three important things connected? Lots of ways, really.

Dads and father figures are (obviously) super important. But in many families, the caregiver who fills the mom role is the keeper of so many things (even if they don’t always have the exact title of “mom”). 

They know every schedule, keep everything from bandages to snacks in their bag, and can find missing stuffed animals in the middle of the night. 

Mother’s Day is one day where their efforts at home, at work, and in the community are celebrated. But the other 364 days of the year require all of their magic, too. 

When one parent or caregiver has an empty emotional bucket, they have less to pour out for everyone around them. So the mental health of caregivers is vital to the mental health of everyone else in the family. 

And summertime, while full of fun and sun, can be a stressful time for kids and parents alike.

Everyone is home. Everyone is hungry (at all different times). Everyone needs a ride somewhere or feels bored or can’t sleep or wants to sleep more. 

Here are three things to keep in mind when it comes to keeping your mental health balanced:

1. You matter. How you feel matters. What you need matters. Sensing your tension on the rise? Take big belly breaths throughout the day. Irritated and frustrated? Stretch, take a power nap, or walk the dog. Talk to a friend, watch a funny video, sit down and relax for a few — just put a few drops into your bucket.
   
   
   

2. Talking is good. Think of yourself as a bottle of carbonated water. Every feeling, thought, and emotion is a bubble. Life is bumpy, so each day, that bottle gets shaken up. If you don’t crack it open slowly (and frequently), it might explode. Talk to a family member. Write your thoughts down in a journal. Or, just say out loud what you’re going through.
   
   Talking through or writing feelings down can help you separate yourself from your thoughts. It creates some space where you can sit with those feelings and process them without judgment. And when you do, you’re showing your kids how to use their words and sit with their own emotions, too.
   
   
   

3. You aren’t just a parent, you’re a person. Yes, your kids make you feel alive, proud, and purposeful. But there’s more to you than caregiving. What else makes you feel happy or excited? Art? Running? Reading? Laughing with friends? Cooking? The more your child sees you doing the things that keep you happy, the better.

Let it out

Sometimes, when kids — or adults — lash out, it’s their way of communicating a feeling that they don’t have words for. Frustration, worry, and anger can all pile up. Those big feelings can come out in big ways if they aren’t addressed early on.

For example, if you’re stressed that traffic is going to make the dinner/bath/bed routine push later, don’t let it build up the whole drive home. (It might accidentally start pouring out when the shampoo spills or you can’t find your child’s favorite pajamas.)

Instead, let it out by saying something like, “I’m so frustrated about this traffic. Now dinner will be late.” Two things will likely start to happen here. One, you’ll release a little of the pressure you feel just by expressing yourself. Two, you may begin to catch a glimpse of your child learning how to recognize emotions and build empathy. If you hear something like, “It’s okay, mama” or “I got frustrated in class today, too” you know they’re listening and learning. 

In these moments, it’s helpful to remember you’re at a decision point. You can let an unexpected inconvenience shape the rest of your evening, or you can choose to accept it and move forward with more flexibility. Each day is made up of small choices like these.

And eventually, your child will catch on to the fact that they have choices, too. So rather than throwing their body down on the grass because the swings are all taken, they’ll learn how to say something like “I really wanted to play on the swings, but they’re all full. What should we do while we wait?” 

That’s resilience. That’s understanding. That’s you and your kids finding healthy ways to gather patience and get through disappointment.

You’re not grounded, but you should be (it’s not what you think)

Older kids can get just as frustrated, and their outbursts can be equally as big. Remember that they might be struggling or feeling overwhelmed. They might feel embarrassed or worried about sharing why. Or they might not have the words to describe or express their feelings. If you think that’s the case, we have an approach for you to try.

When your preteen is acting out, feeling worried, or is otherwise grumpy and unsettled, try to pivot from punishment and help them feel better with helpful activities. 

Rather than the expected “you’re grounded” consequence, try giving them a chance to truly get grounded. That means don’t send them to their room — send them into one of the below activities for 10–15 minutes to diffuse the situation and clear their mind:

• Connect with the outside world: Have your child walk around outside (barefoot) with their feet in a patch of dirt or grass. Physically connecting to nature in this way can help reduce stress and lower the heart rate.
  
  
  

• Cold plunge: Fill a big bowl halfway with ice water and have your child do a few short face or hand plunges (10–15 seconds each). Cold water settles the central nervous system. And holding the breath redirects blood flow to the heart and brain which can help reduce panic and worry.
  
  
  

• 5-4-3-2-1: First, change the environment — if they are inside, take them outside or move to another area of the house. Then have your child look around and notice 5 things they can see, 4 things they can hear, 3 things they can smell, 2 things they can touch, and 1 thing they can taste. Refocusing on what’s right in front of them helps the brain hone in on the here and now.
  
  
  

• Walk and hum a tune: Fresh air is always a good idea. And humming stimulates the vagus nerve, which is one way for the body to send a signal that it’s okay to rest and reset.