Suicide. Let’s talk about it.

Suicide. Even saying the word out loud can feel hard — especially when it relates to a child. But when it comes to your kids, one of your first defenses against it can be talking about it.

In this article we’ll share:

• Why kids might consider suicide a possibility
  

• How to notice signs your child might be struggling
  

• How to infuse their life with your love
  

• Modeling healthy stress relief and having conversation about feelings
  

• When to turn to Brightline for help

Why kids might consider suicide a possibility

So much goes into how a child or teenager absorbs, deflects, and tries to understand themselves and their place in the world. Developing brains, a varying tolerance for distress, the digital noise around them, and both family and genetic influence can all play a part. 

When you’re a child (or a teenager), the “little” things can feel really big. Bullying, failing tests, not making the team, or not being invited to sleepovers, study dates, and parties can all affect their mental health. 

Anxiety, frustration, sadness, and other emotions can snowball and make the rest of life feel a little fuzzy. The heavy feelings get larger and crowd out the lighter ones. Especially with the built-in pressure of day-to-day life and just being a young person in the world today. Losses can stack and wins can be difficult to find. 

How to notice signs your child might be struggling

You know your child better than anyone. And you should stay curious about them as they grow. What do you see? What aren’t they sharing with you? Have they lost or gained weight unexpectedly, are they sleeping more or way less, are they talking less? You might watch or listen for:

• Feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness
  

• Withdrawal from friends and/or activities
  

• Changes in sleeping and/or eating habits (either more or less)
  

• Loss of energy and/or more irritability or frustration
  

• Substance use
  

• Difficulty tolerating distress in other forms, like anxiety

How to infuse their life with your love

You can’t remind your child enough that they are loved just as they are. Life is busy and the days slip by quickly. So say it more often than you think you need to. Show them in big and small ways, particularly when they’re going through a hard time. 

Reinforce that a bad decision, a low grade, or a missed opportunity can cause real feelings, but things like that don’t define who they are. And things are just things — they are no match for the strength of your undeniable, unconditional love for them. They need to hear and feel it, over and over.

So, among the “did you finish your homework” and “don’t forget to feed the dog” questions, be sure to have an equal (or higher) amount of “I love you” and “You are so important to me” and “I care about you so much” statements for balance. 

Snuggle the little ones and text a loving message to your older kids out of the blue. You know your child best and you know the actions you can take that will make them feel loved. Stress how extraordinary they are to you, even in — especially in — the most ordinary moments.

Modeling healthy stress relief

Hard days (and seasons) can be easy to come by. But guess what? Nobody expects you to handle them perfectly. So, when you’re feeling sad or frustrated, talk about it. Even a simple, “Wow, this has been a hard day” can diffuse pent-up stress. It can also help your child see that those tough days are just that — days. And a bad day doesn’t equal a bad life.

If you see your child disappointed, show them you understand, and remind them that sad feelings happen to everyone. Stress that these emotions will come and go like waves and that calmer feelings will always follow the bigger ones.

Help them by modeling healthy ways to cope with stress on a daily basis. After a negative phone call, frustrating meeting, or tough discussion, take deep breaths, take a walk, or give yourself a time out. 

Say out loud how you feel. Talk through stressful situations and show your kids not only how to make room for gratitude as a balance, but how to ask for help when they feel overwhelmed.

Having real, direct conversation about suicide

The idea that talking about suicide is what puts the idea in your child’s head is a myth. In fact, talking about it can be a powerful way for both of you to get right to the heart of what your child may be feeling and thinking.

If you’re concerned about your child, take one of those deep breaths, and ask them how they’re doing. Even if it feels uncomfortable, and even if you’re afraid of the answer they might give you. You can do it. Say things like:

• “I know you’re dealing with a lot. I understand how that feels.”
  

• “Have you been thinking of harming yourself?”
  

• “You seem like you’re really hurting. I’d like to help.”
  

• “Are you thinking about suicide/killing yourself?”
  

• “I notice you’re [fill in the blank] lately. It might help to talk. I’m here to listen.”

Note: Your child shouldn’t have to manage your emotions as well as their own. And you don’t want them to feel they have to tailor their thoughts to make them easier for you to hear. Help them be honest by phrasing your statements or questions in a way that lets them know you can handle whatever they’re going to say. For example, if you ask, “You’re not thinking about hurting yourself, are you?” they may say no just to protect you. Lead with clear, open-ended questions that allow space for their true response: “Are you thinking about hurting yourself?”

If you hear an answer from them that you don’t know how to deal with (like “Yes, I’ve thought about suicide”), do what you can to respond with empathy (e.g. “I’m so glad you told me. Let’s keep talking.”). And of course, seek support when you need it or if you feel your child is in danger.

Let your child know they can always come to you with their feelings, even when it is hard or confusing. You’re there for them, and together you can find answers. If they aren’t comfortable talking with you, mention another trusted adult they can rely on like a family member, teacher, counselor, or therapist.

When to turn to Brightline for help

Sometimes kids can’t put what they feel into words. Other times they don’t want to talk at all — to you or anyone. 

The therapists and psychologists at Brightline have years of experience helping kids express feelings and manage difficult experiences. We also know how to help you connect with your child about suicide, along with all the things that might come alongside that. 

It takes courage to shine a light on dark feelings. But doing so might just be the thing that helps your child see the way through. When you or your child needs support, we’re here.

Note: If your child has talked about suicide or hurting themself or anyone else, it’s important that you seek support immediately. An expert can assess their risk and help you come up with a safety plan. If you’re not sure who to talk to, call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. (You can also chat from your computer with a trained counselor at 988lifeline.org.). Additional resources are available on our website. If this is an emergency and you’re concerned that your child will immediately harm themselves or others, call 911.