Substance use: How to keep conversations real and ask the right questions

Substance use: How to keep conversations real, ask the right questions, and know when it’s time to get help

By nature, kids are endlessly curious, and that’s a superpower. They're almost always trying new things and testing boundaries. But when their curiosity turns to substances, that’s a conversation you don’t want to skip.

With friends experimenting, social media glamorizing drug use, and media portraying both highs and lows, your child could be absorbing mixed signals. Believe it or not, even kids as young as nine can start to view alcohol and drugs positively.




That’s why starting these talks early — guided by your family values — is your best move. Here are some guidelines for navigating this with confidence.

1. Keep the door wide open

When you invite honest conversations, it sends a powerful message: you see your child, you hear your child, and their big emotions, like fear, envy, or uncertainty, belong in your home.

Ask yourself:

• Is my child worried they’re not “cool” if they don’t fit in?

• Do they fear losing friendships if they say no?

• Are they afraid of being labeled a “snitch” if a friend is using?

And if these worries come true? Help them redefine what friendship means. Encourage them to choose friends who align with who they really are, not just what’s popular.

Clarify your house rules, and root them in your values, whether that’s honesty, safety, or trust. You might decide on firm boundaries, or you might be more flexible…but whatever you choose, talk about it. Don’t assume they know what you expect.

2. Ask open-ended questions and role play

Drill into real-life “what ifs.” Try this:

• “What if your best friend told you they drank last weekend?”

• “What if someone offered you weed, just once?”
  
  
  
  

• “What if you’re given a drink at a party but you have to drive home?”

Then just listen. Let them answer honestly, even if it surprises you.

Open-ended questions, like “How do you feel about your friend vaping?” or “What might happen if you said yes…or no?” Give your child space to think things through.

Strengthening their self-esteem matters, too. Try: “Tell me a few things you love about yourself. Now, how might using substances change those things?”

When they’re grounded in who they are, they’re more likely to make choices that feel right for them, even under pressure.

3. Tackle the tough questions head-on

Kids may push back with phrases like: “Relax, it’s not a big deal” or “It’s just once.” Be ready.

Talk openly about risk and safety, even the first time. If substance use has shown up in your family before, share that (in an age-appropriate way). Work with your child to set clear, honest expectations, and let them help shape what those rules look like.

If substance use is something they see in your own life, don’t dodge it. A calm, genuine response can go a long way:

“I hear you. Yes, I do this sometimes, but I’m an adult, and I know what I’m doing. This is a choice that’s safe for me. Let’s decide together what’s safe for you.”

4. Know when it’s time to ask for support

There are three big moments when getting help from someone else — like a therapist — can be a game-changer:

1. Communication breakdown

If you feel like you don’t know what to say, or your words aren’t getting through, a therapist can guide you on how to talk, what to ask, and what warning signs to watch for.

2. After trauma

If your family has experienced grief, loss, or other big stressors, your child may be more vulnerable. Therapy can help with preventing substance use by intervening early.

3. If your child is already using

Substance use doesn’t usually happen for no reason. It might be a symptom of deeper feelings, such as loneliness, anxiety, and low self-esteem. A therapist can create a safe space to uncover what’s really going on…and help you address it together.

The discussion about substances isn’t a one-time chat. It’s a series of open doors, honest questions, and real support. Start even when it’s hard, and don’t hesitate to ask for help when you or your child need it.