Understanding your child's anxiety — key questions to ask

POV: Your constant attempts to comfort them seem to fall flat. You can’t figure out why school, sleepovers, or new foods are getting such a big negative reaction all of a sudden. Or maybe their anxious behaviors have been happening for a long time and they still aren’t able to really explain why or how it feels to experience them. 

You know your child so well, but you don’t live inside their body. So, how can you as a parent start to understand when your child is feeling anxious? Sometimes asking the right questions (at the right time) can unlock a new learning, perspective, and sense of relief.

In this article we’ll talk through:

• Low-pressure questions to get your child talking

• Routine-based questions to help notice patterns

• Questions that help kids find and name their anxious thoughts and feelings

• Safety-based questions to help them feel supported as they are

• Questions that keep the conversation going once they’ve opened up

• Reflective statements that help your child feel heard

We’ve pulled together some questions that you can make your own — questions that will encourage your child to get curious about the thing that’s scaring them. That curiosity can help them replace fear with a sense of control that can empower you both. 

Their answers can help you as their parent(s) understand how to be there for your child, showing them that you understand how they feel and that you have confidence that they can face the things that feel hard or provoke anxiety.

Low-pressure questions (with relatable opening lines) to get your child talking:

• “I know a lot of kids feel [fill in the blank] these days. How have you been feeling lately?”

• “I remember school feeling hard for me at times. Has there been any part of your day that feels easier than others?”

• “Some days are tougher than others, even for me lately. What’s been feeling hard for you these days?”

• “What people think about a lot tends to feel really big. Are there any worries that are taking up a lot of space in your mind lately?”

Routine-based questions to help notice patterns (and some positive opposites for balance):

• “Is there any part of your day that makes your body feel tight or uncomfortable?”

  • Positive opposite: “What part of your day makes you feel your best?”

• “What’s the trickiest part of school right now?”

  • Positive opposite: “Which part of school feels easy-breezy right now?”

• “Are there times when you wish the day would just pause?”

  • Positive opposite: “What time of day do you wish could go on and on?”

• “Do any thoughts pop up that won’t leave you alone?”

  • Positive opposite: “Do any thoughts lift you up during the day?”

Questions that help kids find and name their anxious thoughts and feelings:

• “What does worry feel like in your body?”

• “Is there an anxious thought that keeps running through your mind?”

• “Where do you feel it first — your tummy, chest, head?”

• “Does it feel loud, fast, heavy, shaky, or something else?”

Questions to help them feel supported as they are:

• “Do you feel like you can talk to me when you’re worried?”

• “Is there anything you feel like you can’t talk to anyone about?”

• “What do you wish I understood better about how you feel?”

• “When you feel anxious, what helps — even a little?”

Questions that keep the conversation going once they’ve opened up (Note: listen first — timing of these questions can either help the talk flow or halt):

• “Do you want help fixing this, or do you just want me to listen?”

• “What do you think would make this easier?”

• “What has helped before?”

• “What would you want to hear me say when you’re feeling this way?”

Reflective statements that help your child feel heard:

• “I can see how frustrating that might be.”

• “It makes sense that you would feel scared about that.”

• “I see you trying to work through this and I’m proud of you.”

• “I’m really glad you told me about this.”

• “I am always here to listen.”

It can help to remember that if you experience anxiety, too, it’s vital for you to learn how to keep yourself steady while trying to help your child. 

It’s also important to acknowledge that you’re an adult with life experience and a brain that has worked long and hard on learning what to do in these situations — and some days, situations, and thoughts are still hard to process.

Bottom line

What you’re able to manage as an adult could feel entirely overwhelming for your child. It can be hard to understand (and exhausting for both of you). That said, saying things that diminish the very real thoughts and physical sensations your child is experiencing won’t help either of you cope (like “You’re fine” or “Stop worrying”). Instead, lean on curiosity, listening, and understanding. 

Remember, validating how they feel doesn’t mean you agree with what they might be doing. It doesn’t mean that you’re saying something is too hard for them to handle. Instead, you’re confirming for your child that their experience makes sense — and that you’re there to support them now and through the next steps.