Why can’t my child just go have fun?

Every morning starts the same way: 

Tears at the door, stomachaches, and pleas to stay home. 

They don’t want to go to the dance or the football game. 

You answer a weepy call at 11pm from every sleepover. 

They refuse sleepaway camp, auditioning for the play, and swimming anchor on the relay team. 

You want them to run into their classroom and make new friends, but they cling to you instead. 

If these or similar situations sound familiar, you’re not alone. Your child may be struggling with social anxiety. Social anxiety is the ongoing, intense fear of social situations. 

In this article, we’ll talk through:

• What social anxiety looks like

• Why some kids seem socially anxious

• How social anxiety can look different at home and school

• What you can do to help your child

• Myths vs. reality

Understanding social anxiety

Kids with social anxiety can feel this fear in the situation or they can feel this fear simply by anticipating a social situation. The fear is driven by a concern that others are watching them or judging them. 

And while it is true that sometimes we are all judged, with social anxiety, the fear is often greater than the reality. Because school is a place where kids interact with each other and with teachers, it can even be a challenging space for kids with social anxiety to navigate.

What does social anxiety look like? 

When a child wrestles with social anxiety, they experience physical changes on the inside. Those changes are communicated through behavior.

Some of the physical changes they may experience are:

• Blushing

• Trembling

• Sweating

• Rapid heartbeat

• Brain fog

• Tight muscles

• Tightness in throat

• Shortness of breath

• Chest pain

• Nausea

• Dizziness

Some of the behaviors parents may notice might include:

• Avoiding school

• Avoiding interactions with others, particularly strangers

• Struggling with friendships

• Complaining of aches and pains

• Emotional outbursts in public

• Shutting down in public

• Avoiding eye contact

• Communicating a fear of judgment

• Speaking softly

• Feeling self-conscious

• Low participation in classes or other social activities

Why does my child seem socially anxious?

The thinking part of the brain is the prefrontal cortex. The survival part of the brain that controls fight or flight is the amygdala. When kids feel afraid, their brains switch focus from the thinking part to the survival part. Kids and teens with anxiety tend to experience more activity in the amygdala, the part that controls fight or flight. This is associated with the brain having a harder time accessing the thinking and planning parts, especially in moments of fear.Social anxiety triggers the brain to move from the thinking part to the survival part in social situations. Why the brain does this in some people and not others is still being studied. But, many researchers believe the reason for it is biopsychosocial, which just means it’s a combination of biology, psychology, and sociology. 

• Biology refers to the body — in this case, what's happening with genes and brain transmitters. Studies have shown kids with social anxiety have different genes and brain responses than those without social anxiety.

• Psychology refers to the mind — here it’s about how a person thinks and responds to previous experiences. Studies also show that past negative social experiences can cause a child to think and respond to present social experiences as if they are in danger. Even if the child is safe, their brain may still see the social environment as a threat.

• Sociology refers to the community and relationships — including the cause and effect of social interactions. When the brain switches from the thinking part to the survival part, the child may then respond in a manner that pushes other people away socially, causing more negative social experiences (the very ones they fear) and creating a cycle. 

Does social anxiety look different at home and at school?

At home, parents may notice their child:

• Withdraws from family gatherings

• Avoids going out together

• Replays mental conversations

• Expresses a fear of judgment

• Engages in negative self-talk

• Struggles to be assertive

At school, teachers may notice your child:

• Acts self-conscious and nervous around peers 

• Avoids classroom, sports, or club participation

• Seems withdrawn

• Is easily embarrassed

• Is bullied

• Has friends speak up for them

How can parents help their socially anxious child?

• Start small (and do it scared). Encourage your child to take small social steps such as waving to a friend. Small wins in the face of fear can start to build up courage.

• Model calm. Your energy can impact your child’s energy. Change your worry about their anxiety into peaceful, confident strength. Show them how to relax through your own inner calm.

• Validate, validate, validate. Focusing on your child’s strengths can help them quiet their own negative inner dialogue. Say, “I knew you could try, and you did!”

• Celebrate effort. Stepping out of a comfort zone is uncomfortable. Even when — especially when — their efforts flop, celebrating the effort rather than the outcome can help the child reframe the experience in a meaningful way. 

Social anxiety: myth vs. reality

Myth: They’re just shy — they’ll grow out of it.

Reality: Social anxiety is more than shyness. It causes distress that impacts relationships, school, and daily life. 

Myth: Protecting them from uncomfortable social situations will help.

Reality: Avoidance might feel like a safe space, but it trains the brain to link social situations with threats rather than with safety. You may think you’re helping them build independence, but they’re actually building a reliance upon you for help.

Myth: They just need more confidence.

Reality: Confidence does not come from sheer willpower. It’s developed step-by-step. Kids with social anxiety need tools to help them build that confidence. 

Bottom line

If your child can’t “just go have fun,” it may be because social anxiety is triggering a real fear response in their brain, not a lack of interest or confidence. With understanding, validation, and gradual encouragement to face fears (rather than avoid them), we can work together to help your child build confidence and break the anxiety cycle over time.