Why does my child worry so much?

Every day it’s the same challenge: your child spirals into a list of “what ifs.” 

What if I don’t remember my spelling words? 

What if I fall on the way to school? 

What if something bad happens to you? 

What if I can’t find anyone to eat lunch with?

What if I get laughed at when I strike out?

Your child’s worries never seem to stop.

Your child may be struggling with generalized anxiety. Generalized anxiety isn’t worry about one specific thing; it’s worry about everything. Kids with generalized anxiety tend to be on the lookout for the worst possible outcome, even when that outcome is unlikely.

In this article, we’ll talk through:

• How does anxiety look different from regular worries?

• What causes anxiety?

• What does anxiety look like at home vs. school?

• What you can do to help your child

• Anxiety myths vs. reality

Understanding generalized anxiety

While everyone worries sometimes, kids with generalized anxiety worry with such frequency and such intensity that it interrupts their daily life. Relationships, routines, and school work can all become exhausting. 

Recognizing these thought patterns and understanding how to manage them, are the first steps towards your child feeling more confident, calm, and in control. 

How does anxiety look different from regular worries?

When a child has generalized anxiety, they struggle to control their constant worries. No two kids will have the same symptoms, but the symptoms they may experience include:

• Inability to relax

• Trouble sleeping

• Being easily agitated or startled

• Shaking or trembling

• Inability to focus

• Muscle tension

• Fatigue

• Stifled decision making

• Headaches

• Upset stomach

• Sweating

• Irritability

What causes anxiety?

The exact cause of generalized anxiety in kids is not entirely known. Researchers believe it’s a combination of genetics, neurobiology, and environment. 

• Genetics: By studying families and twins, research has found a link between genetics and generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), meaning that it tends to be passed down between generations.

• Neurobiology: The part of the brain that scans for threats is the amygdala, and the thinking part of the brain is the prefrontal cortex. Studies show that these brain structures in kids with generalized anxiety tend to respond differently to threats  than in kids without generalized anxiety.

• Environment: Kids tend to look to their parents and other family members for cues about how to react to stressors. If they are encouraged to avoid the things that worry them or are given reassurance over and over again that things will be okay, they may learn that they cannot handle the worries on their own and continue to avoid stressors and seek reassurance. Kids who experience chronic stress, bullying, or other forms of trauma are more susceptible to developing an anxiety, trauma, or stressor-related disorder.

What does anxiety look like at home vs. school?

For kids and teens, generalized anxiety tends to center around the people and activities that most impact their daily life, including school, friends, family, and the uncertainty of the future. They may struggle, in particular, with worry about disappointing parents and teachers or those in positions of authority, and they may work to be perfect to try to manage those interactions. 

Kids with generalized anxiety disorders can be triggered by the unknown and worries about their performance and perception. They struggle with not knowing everything that might happen at school, at home, or in the world. The anxiety they experience can drive perfectionist behaviors (in an attempt to control something) and can range from worry about past, present, and future. At home, parents may notice their child:

• Seeking constant reassurance, asking questions like, “Are you mad at me?” or “Will you be home on time?”

• Overthinking and driven to perfectionism, getting stuck when asked to do chores or complete homework because they are worried about making mistakes

• Struggling to relax and to sleep, always seeming hypervigilant

• Is irritable or dysregulated; having frequent meltdowns

At school, teachers may notice your child:

• Overpreparing and worrying about measuring up, checking and re-checking work and seeming excessively concerned about a teacher’s approval

• Experiencing difficulty focusing due to excessive worry about their ability to perform well enough

• People-pleasing and apologizing excessively

• Acting compliant and withdrawn, seemingly afraid to join in, speak up, or participate

It’s typical for a child with anxiety to quietly hold themselves together at school and then melt down at home. Because of this common behavior, parents and teachers may notice different tendencies or behaviors in the child. For example, at school the child may be perceived as conscientious and never causing trouble, while at home they may seem clingy or volatile. 

What you can do to help your child

• Validate feelings. A child with anxiety can even worry about worrying too much. Sometimes simple validation (“Some worrying is okay!) can help calm the nervous system.

• Model calm. Kids often learn by watching their parents. When a parent pauses to take a deep breath, or say out loud how they’re feeling, it creates both an example and a space for the child to do the same.

• Encourage them to challenge their worries and do the things that bring on anxiety. Avoidance tends to lead to more avoidance which doesn’t make it any easier to do difficult things in the future. If kids or teens are worried about messing up in school, make that something to try out to test that worry — if they don’t know an answer or make a mistake, what ultimately happens? It can also be helpful to talk as a family about your mistakes and failures and how they’ve been informative (e.g., “Let’s all say one thing that went wrong today and what we learned from it”).

• Take big problems one step at a time. Breaking up something that feels big into smaller steps can help reduce a child’s sense of overwhelm. 

Anxiety: myth vs. reality

Myth: My child’s worry is just part of their personality.Reality: While some kids are naturally cautious and sensitive, when their worry becomes uncontrollable or interferes with their daily life, it’s more than a temperament.

Myth: If I reassure my child enough, eventually they’ll realize everything is okay.Reality: Reassurance can provide short-term comfort but can sometimes create a reliance upon the parent or a belief that they can’t manage the anxiety by themselves. What helps most is when your child understands themselves, their anxiety, and strategies for coping with uncertainty.

Myth: My child doesn’t seem anxious at school, so they’re probably fine. Reality: Many kids with generalized anxiety disorder hold their worries in during the day and release them when they get home where they feel safe. Good behavior at school doesn’t always reflect how much anxiety a child may be carrying inside. 

Bottom line

When your child worries constantly, it may be due to generalized anxiety, where their brain stays on high alert for unlikely worst-case scenarios, making everyday life exhausting. With validation, calm modeling, and support facing uncertainty step by step (combating avoidance), parents can help their child learn to manage worry and feel more in control.